


Juggling

by wekingsandprettythings



Series: tiny tour fics [11]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 10:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16217081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: "I was telling my therapist that it feels like we were juggling. Like I was constantly moving three things at a time, I was out there making people happy and meeting them, and I was doing a show every night and we were traveling non stop and then suddenly I dropped it all. And I can’t just pick up the balls and start juggling again because I have nothing to juggle but my own thoughts."Post tour depression hit everyone.





	Juggling

It wasn’t unusual for him to check his phone and see that dan had posted a slightly concerning tweet at half twelve in the morning. It also wasn’t unusual for him to leave his bed, where he thought he’d be spending the night to give dan space and end up walking across the hall into Dan’s room. 

Dan was lying there, staring up at the ceiling. His calming amber light was on in the corner, he had his white noise machine on. He was trying his best to calm down and be okay on his own but Phil knew it wasn’t working. He didn’t even have to talk to him to know it wasn’t working. He walked right past the bed and into the bathroom and turned on the tub. 

He put the plug in, he got the temperature right, set out a few bath bombs and went back to see Dan. “we have a good tub upstairs if you want to have a bath there you know.” Dan mumbled when he walked back into the room.

He sat down on the edge of Dan’s side of the bed, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I know, but this is for you. Come on.” He tried to huff, he tried to look like he wasn’t happy but the smile the built up from his fake scowl made Phil’s heart flutter. 

He threw the covers off as soon as Phil stood up and sat up on the edge. Phil placed his hands on Dan’s cheeks, “you’ll feel better soon, your body just needs to relax again. Five months of crazy can’t just wear off your body in 3 days.” he reminded him. It’s what his therapist had said to him the other day, it’s the only thing Dan told him about that session probably because he knew Phil would say it back to him when he needed to hear it. Dan just nodded his head, staring up at him softly. 

“I’m going to go put everything in the bath come in when you’re ready.” he whispered down at him, kissing his forehead before leaving for the bathroom once more. 

A few drops of lavender oil, 2 cups of epsom salts, a quarter of a bubble bar and a black bath bomb with eucalyptus in it sat on the counter because he knew how much Dan loved to do that part. He lit a few unscented candles, the smell off the bath itself would be enough but the ambiance was there now. 

Dan walked in while Phil was leaning over to feel the water. He wrapped his arms around him as he stood back up and startled him a little. “Thank you.” he whispered.

He turned around in Dan’s arms, facing him now. “You don’t have to ever thank me. But I appreciate it.” he reminded Dan. 

“You’ve done a lot for me this last week, and I feel like I don’t show how much it means to me to have to taking care of me when I don’t know how to take care of myself.” Dan whispered. It was very hard for him to sometimes admit when things were the hardest. Phil learned a long time ago that Dan had a shell, one that was around himself to look tough and capable, one that Phil had continuously told him wasn’t needed around him. 

“You know how you love me, and you will do anything for me? Like call the dentist for me and go through the gates at the tube first so I can follow you and not bump into anyone but you?” Phil asked, Dan looked puzzled but nodded. “Well, it’s the same thing here. I love you, and I will always do what I know you need. I read every single booklet you brought home about depression, I did the sessions on how to support you, I’ve been to your therapy sometimes. I’m your person and you’re mine and we support each other, always.” 

Dan smiled, softly. “Stay with me.” 

“Okay.” Phil said before kissing him softly. 

He felt Dan reach down and grab the bottom of his shirt, he pulled back from the kiss enough to pull Phil’s shirt off him and continue to kiss him. It wasn’t heated, they weren’t going to have sex today, he didn’t want to have sex when Dan didn’t feel like Dan. It just felt nice to be close, to not be two seperate people for a minute. To be in each other’s arms, the taste of Dan on his lips, their skin touching. It was nice to only have the thought, the smell, the tough, everything of the other person on their minds and not have to worry about anything else. 

Phil pulled away for a second, feeling down Dan’s chest to his pants. “Get naked, and get in before the water gets cold.” he ordered. 

“Okay. But you’re coming in too.” Dan giggled, pushing his pants down and stepping out of them. 

Dan sat down in the tub, watching Phil undress with a shade of pink on his cheeks. He was twenty seven and yet he still blushed around Phil’s naked body like he did when he was eighteen. And Phil would be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel amazing to know Dan was still so madly in love with him after all this time. 

The tub was big enough for both of them, surprisingly. They didn’t have to squeeze into this one, they didn’t have to sit on top of each other to fit. Dan laid at one end, Phil at the other, Dan’s foot rubbing against the side of Phil’s arm just cause he could touch him, Phil did the same to him. Again, just cause he could touch him. 

They were quiet for a few minutes, it was peaceful and relaxing. The water was perfect, Dan had dropped in the bath bomb so the water felt like someone had mixed in jello powder, it was thick and made him feel safe somehow. Dan being there made him feel even more safe. 

“You know, I miss it too.” Phil said softly, knowing that no matter how hard Dan was trying to relax his mind was still going in the background and until he said it he wasn’t going to be okay.

“The other day when we were getting ready for therapy and you were juggling, I finally realized why I feel so shitty, and I was telling my therapist that it feels like we were juggling. Like I was constantly moving three things at a time, I was out there making people happy and meeting them, and I was doing a show every night and we were traveling non stop and then suddenly I dropped it all. And I can’t just pick up the balls and start juggling again because I have nothing to juggle but my own thoughts. I don’t have anything to keep me occupied and away from myself.” 

He said it so confidently, it clearly wasn’t the first time he’d explained it, but it sounded like he’d been going over it enough time to know exactly what was wrong. Like he always did. He would find what was wrong, or what was bothering him and he would go over it again and again and again till it eat away at him and he freaked out. 

“I can give you something to do each day if it will help?” Phil suggested. 

Dan smiled, “yeah like what?” he asked with a giggle in his voice.

“I don’t know, like a chores list or something.” he explained. “Every day you can water the plants and make the beds and fuff the cushions in the lounge and dust the tv. Just a little routine of things that you know you have to do so you don’t feel like you’ve dropped your balls.” 

Dan laughed, a good gut laugh that made the water move. “Okay that wasn’t the best thing I could have said but you understand what I mean.”

“I do. Thank you.” he said softly once more before not so gracefully sitting up onto his knees and flopping down onto Phil’s chest and cuddling into him while they were both still under the water. 

They stayed cuddled under the water, Phil tracing his fingers up and down Dan’s back while Dan left the occasional kiss to Phils shoulder or collarbone. They stayed like that till Phil’s finger were wrinkled and the bath water was starting to feel more like a pool. 

“Hey, let’s go get into that warm bed out there.” he whispered into Dan’s hair. 

Not so gracefully once again Dan got out of the water, Phil watched him wrap himself in a big fluffy towel and then hold one out for Phil to walk into and get wrapped in as well. He kissed him on the lips once more before they made their way back into the bedroom. Dan put on some new pants, a simple black pair that made his butt look cute. 

Phil didn’t bother putting anything back on, he just dropped his towel and climbed into the bed, letting Dan cuddle right back into him. He snuggled his face into Phil’s neck once more, “thank you for loving me.” he whispered. 

“Thank you for letting me love you.” Phil whispered back.


End file.
